I Would Never Let My Daughter Enter A Beauty Pageant, Because There’s No Way In Hell She’d Win

As a woman who has dealt with plenty of unwelcome judgment in her life, I have always been a little uneasy about the idea of beauty pageants. But ever since I became a mother to my own little girl, that discomfort has deepened into something far more urgent. When I look at my daughter, I think about everything that…

My Sons Taught Themselves To Be Feminists Without My Help, What The Fuck

As the mother of three sons, I imagined that instilling my feminist values in my children would be one of the most rewarding parts of motherhood. I was so excited to share my passion for women’s rights with them and post updates online about their progress along the way. That’s why it’s so goddamn infuriating that my…

If You’re Not A Police Officer, You Can’t Understand The Pressure You Feel In The Split Second When You Have To Decide Whether Or Not To Shoot An Unarmed Civilian 8 Times

It goes without saying that our police should be held accountable when they’re guilty of using excessive force. But, as a law-enforcement veteran myself, I’ve seen far too many people weighing in on the national conversation on police brutality who have no idea what cops deal with on a daily basis. So listen up: If…

If People Deleting Facebook Want To Be A Part Of A Social Network, They’re Welcome To Come Connect With Friends Among The Piles Of Belts At Marshalls (by the CEO of Marshalls)

Like most Facebook users around the world, I felt shocked and betrayed when news broke that millions of users’ data had been sold to a political data analysis firm. I decided to delete my Facebook account in light of this heinous breach of security, but found myself missing being able to easily interact with the…

Every Parent Wants To See Their Child Do Well, But I’d Be Lying If I Didn’t Admit That Watching My Loser Son Fail At Everything He Tries Has Been Pretty Entertaining

When you give birth to a child and you hold that miraculous being in your arms for the first time, you can’t help but think what amazing things the future holds for them—joys, triumphs, jobs, relationships, everything. When I had my son, Kevin, it was my greatest ambition to see him succeed in every facet of life. But…

Toys ‘R’ Us Is Going Out Of Business Because America Wasn’t Ready To Accept A Celibate Giraffe Mascot

When I became CEO of Toys ‘R’ Us, I was excited for a chance to lead one of America’s most well-known toy stores into a new era of prosperity. Unfortunately, it pains me to announce that after 70 years of bringing joy to children across the world, Toys ‘R’ Us will soon be shutting its doors forever. Many people will…

I Did Everything I Could To Buy ClickHole, But Their Editorial Integrity Won Out Over My Billion-Dollar Offers, And I Respect Them Even More For That (By Elon Musk)

From electric cars to space travel to brain-computer interface technology, I am constantly expanding my portfolio to include big, forward-thinking ideas that I believe are worth investing in. That’s why when I first read ClickHole, I immediately envisioned the possibilities offered by their unwavering commitment to…

We Need To Talk About Paying College Athletes For A Couple Seconds So Our Consciences Can Rest Easy And We Can Enjoy March Madness

If you’ve filled out a March Madness bracket and have your next three weeks planned out to catch the maximum amount of basketball action, you’re just like millions of other Americans ready to watch the best college athletes duke it out. But as exciting as the tournament can be, there is a difficult ethical discussion…

‘The Hunger Games’ Gets So Much Wrong About How Forcing People To Fight To The Death For The Enjoyment Of Wealthy Elites Really Works

It’s no secret that Hollywood exaggerates and embellishes stories in order to make them more exciting, and I’m the first to enjoy a larger-than-life blockbuster. That being said, sometimes directors just go way too far stretching the truth in a way that makes you want to pull your hair out. I recently watched The

As Hard As It Can Be To Remember, There Are Some Things In Life That Are Just More Important Than Rats

I don’t pretend to know everything about life. Hell, sometimes I don’t even know where my car is parked. But there are a few things I’ve learned in my five-plus decades on this planet, and this one is on the top of the list: As hard as it can be to remember at times, there are some things in life that are just more…

Every Night I Lie Awake, Worrying About The Possibility Of Coinstar Technology Falling Into The Wrong Hands (By Jens Molbak, Founder Of Coinstar)

As founder of Coinstar, I invented the machine for a single purpose. I envisioned a world where, with my advanced coin-sorting technology, people could come into a supermarket, place their coins in the machine, and just seconds later, walk away with either cash or credit. Coinstar technology is incredible, and it has…

Ram’s Use Of Martin Luther King In A Truck Commercial Is Proof Of Just How Low Corporations Will Stoop To Get Americans Into The Best-In-Class Trucks They Deserve

Last night, Ram ran a commercial during the Super Bowl that featured audio of a Martin Luther King Jr. sermon overlaid onto footage of its trucks. While corporations are constantly pandering to viewers with empty imagery and over-the-top messaging, this ad was completely unforgivable. Ram’s cynical misuse of Dr.…

You Never Fully Understand What It’s Like To Have A Child With Autism Until You See One At The Park And Then Speculate About It With Your Spouse Later That Night

Raising a child is no easy task, and when it comes to children with developmental disabilities, parents face an additional set of challenges that others may not be fully aware of. Although educational resources give a glimpse into what life is like for parents of children with autism, they can only do so much: You’ll…

The Problem With ‘The Flash’: Why Doesn’t Flash Have Bugs Splattered On His Face After Every Time He Runs Really Fast?

Before I get into it here, let me be clear: There’s so much about The CW’s The Flash that I think is great. It’s got superhero fun with just enough heart and an awesome cast to boot. Which is why it’s so disappointing that the show is completely undermined by one glaringly obvious mistake that makes it impossible to…

If We Don’t Protect Endangered Species, Our Kids Will Inherit A World Where A Silverback Gorilla Riding A White Rhino Into Battle Against A Polar Bear Using A Galápagos Tortoise As A Shield Is Not Possible

It’s an incredible experience to watch a child become inspired by the majesty and diversity of the wildlife on this planet. But human activity is also threatening to destroy a lot of those beautiful creatures that our children love to learn about, and now is the time for action. If we don’t protect endangered species,…

My Solemn Promise To You Is That Whether Or Not Net Neutrality Is Repealed, The Website AlRoker.com Will Remain An Absolute Nightmare To Use

Tomorrow the FCC will vote on whether or not to repeal laws protecting net neutrality. The outcome of the vote could have profound consequences and change the internet forever. However, regardless of the result of tomorrow’s vote, my solemn promise to you, the American people, is that whether or not net neutrality is…

Banning Athletes Who Abuse Performance Enhancers Will Finally Create A Level Playing Field For The All-Night Olympic Village Fuckathons

The Olympics are meant to showcase the pinnacle of human athletic achievement, but doping scandals in recent years have muddied that noble spirit. No one epitomizes the cheat-to-win attitude more than the Russian team, and fortunately now the International Olympic Committee is laying down the law and sending a…

Every Middle-Class Family Should Have Money Set Aside For An Unexpected Emergency Like Republicans Having A Majority In Congress

It’s no secret that life can throw bad news at you right out of the blue. For those of us who aren’t fabulously wealthy, an unexpected bump in the road can clean out your bank account in a hurry, leaving you drowning in debt. That’s why every middle-class family should have some money set aside in case of an emergency…

It’s Time To Stop Arguing The Semantics Of The Word ‘Terrorism’ And Start Actually Doing Something To Fund It

It seems that every time we experience a national tragedy, discussion always gets bogged down in the semantics of which horrible acts should or should not be considered “terrorism.” Some people argue that mass shootings committed by U.S.-born citizens should be labeled as domestic acts of terror, while others believe…