My wife, Laura, died six months ago. She was the love of my life, my soulmate, and my best friend. I’ve tried my best to move on, but that’s unfortunately much easier said than done. Ever since she passed away, I’ve found myself completely unable to go hogwild about anything.

I’m just too numb right now. I mean, hell, I can’t even get myself to a point where I’m riled up or even acting totally nuts. The things that always used to make me go hogwild, like when the Pittsburgh Pirates won a close game, or when it was a really beautiful day outside, are barely able to elicit a big whoop or a fist pump out of me these days. Even though she’s gone, she’s still a big part of my life, and my grief is just too strong to be going completely and utterly hogwild in a world without her.

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It’s tough to feel apeshit and want to wildly run around waving your hands above your head when you’re a recent widower with three young children. Laura was such an incredible mother to them, and I’ve wanted to make sure that they can return to some sense of normalcy without her, even if that means I no longer have time to go 100 percent bonkers. Putting their needs over my own need to go hogwild was something I just had to do. But even though they do appear to be adjusting, my desire to go hogwild still remains at zero.

The things that always used to make me go hogwild, like when the Pittsburgh Pirates won a close game, or when it was a really beautiful day outside, are barely able to elicit a big whoop or a fist pump out of me these days.

There’s one day Laura and I spent together that I keep going back to. It was a Saturday night, and we left the kids with a babysitter to have a date night at the movies—a rare treat for us. After the movie, we just walked around town for hours, starting off by going apeshit, and then eventually we went absolutely hogwild about how perfect everything was at that moment. We were screaming and yelling out with glee, jumping and kicking our feet out in delight. It was the last time we ever went hogwild together, and it’s difficult to imagine feeling the way I felt that night again.

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Sometimes, my friends will try to get me to have a night where we go a little bit hogwild, just to get my mind off things. But I can’t get myself to say yes. I just can’t do it. Of course, I know Laura would want me to go hogwild again. This is something she told me right before she died. But it’s still hard not to feel this way. The idea that I can get back out in the world and continue to go hogwild with the same fervor and passion I did when she was alive seems like an impossibility.

I miss Laura so much, and going hogwild is just not in the cards for me right now. Part of me is worried that the day I am finally able to go completely berserk without her will be the day she is truly gone. But still, I hope that in the future, I will be able to get amped up to go hogwild once more, if only because that’s what she wanted.