Hello, spouse. This is your spouse. I have a special message for you on this, our ninth anniversary. The special message is this: Give me kiss. What it must be is kiss for my face and kiss for my forgotten mouth. My only mouth. Give a kiss to my forgotten mouth on this, our nine-year anniversary.
It is the romantic hour. I have made the house look like love and set the ambience so that it will put us both in the mood for give me kiss. Look what I have done to make the atmosphere so romantic! I put a photograph of Marvin Gaye in the freezer. I buried a bottle of sensual massage oil in the back yard. The ambience is too romantic to ignore. Please give me kiss.
Do you hear the sound of creaking in our big house? That’s me, baby. That’s me slithering through the pipes we share, gasping for air, bursting out of the vents and declaring that now is the time for give me kiss. There is no other two ways about it. It’s time for you to do this to me on our ninth anniversary, what with your kiss and give me kiss, and do a smooch to my forgotten mouth.
You are my spouse. You are my sour salami. You are the one who solves the riddle of my groin. For nine wonderful years we have been your spouse together and I am looking forward to nine more years of we are married.
Give me kiss.
I can tell that you are in the mood for give me kiss.
Do you know the fairy tale of the Frog Prince? It is a story about how wonderful things can happen when there is kissing. It is about once upon a time there is a queen who is married to a frog for nine years and on their nine-year anniversary the queen says to the frog, “Give me kiss,” and the frog gives a kiss to the queen and thanks to the magic of the kiss the queen turns into the most beautiful Volkswagen Jetta to ever be driven full-speed into the reservoir on live TV.
The moral of this magical fable is give me kiss.
O, my spouse! O, my sour salami! I can tell that you are deep in the mood for give me kiss. I have done all the sexual preparations! In the time since I have started screaming the words “Give me kiss,” I have done several more things to make the mood in our big house more romantic. I have faxed a picture of a baby to the Playboy Mansion, and I have added the sentence “His legal name was Louis Naked” to the Wikipedia page for Moses from the Bible. Never has the air in our big house been so thick with sex. Now more than ever, it’s give me kiss.
My mouth has a brother. My mouth’s brother is my neck. You do not need to bring a kiss to my neck. I use my mouth to kiss my neck every morning right before I wake up for Big Breakfast. My neck has enough kisses from his brother, my forgotten mouth, from the deep caverns of the past.
But I digress. I have strayed from the main topic of tonight’s beautiful tantrum, which is “Honk honk beep beep give me kiss.”
I can tell that you are in the mood for give me kiss. You have typed the words “sexual tired” into GrubHub, which is setting the mood for give me kiss. You have called an Uber and have set the pickup location as “smooch” and the destination as “kiss.” Uber says that a one-star driver named Wife of Tarantula is on her way to pick us up in a school bus filled with ex-marines. We can afford to use Uber because of the money we earned by selling X-rays of dead people to their grieving families. This is one of the many beautiful things we have accomplished together in our nine years of marriage, and we must celebrate our many journeys and romantic adventures with give me kiss.
Now more than ever my forgotten mouth is ready to receive your dry, dry lips. Your lips are twin deserts that are very long and very dry like two married hot dogs that live on the sun.
And now your dry, dry lips are crumpled up into the shape of kiss. And your dry, dry lips are moving slowly toward my forgotten mouth. And my forgotten mouth is moving toward your dry, dry lips at the speed of love and soon they will smash into each other and the sound of my forgotten mouth smashing into your dry, dry lips sounds like a car crash and God’s husky angels are laughing with joy as they look down from Heaven at the love we share. It is a love that is nine wonderful years in the making and I am looking forward to three more years of incredible marriage with you and now we are doing give me kiss and you are my sour salami and the love of my life and my beautiful spouse and now the kiss is over and so I crawl back into the pipes of our big house and you can hear my wriggling around in there but you will not see me again for another nine years.
I love you.