I struggled with weight my whole life. From being called names in middle school to struggling to squeeze into seats on airplanes, my weight really had a major impact on me. I thought I’d be obese forever until I found a simple, easy way to lose over 150 pounds, and you’re out of your fucking mind if you think I’m going to tell you my secret.

Following my amazing plan, the fat melted off my body in just a matter of weeks and I didn’t even have to go to the gym every day or radically alter my diet. The best part is, anyone can do it, assuming they can read my mind, because there’s no way in hell I’m giving this life-changing secret away.

Believe me, I was skeptical, too. I had tried dozens of fad diets, exercise routines, and weight loss pills, but nothing worked. Within weeks on my new plan, however, I looked better, felt better, and quite frankly, why on earth would I tell anyone jack shit about how I did it?

There’s nothing stopping me from just telling you what that secret is, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to!

Becoming a better you doesn’t have to be a struggle anymore. With my proven method, anyone can shed excess pounds and keep them off! All you need is this amazing little trick which, you’d really have to be holding a gun to my head to get me to talk about. Doctors are baffled by how quickly and effectively I was able to lose weight without a liposuction or any other expensive surgeries. And you can bet I won’t be uttering one word about my technique around those sons-of-bitches either.

Advertisement

I’m really toned, too! And because my method made all my flabby skin just disappear, it’s almost as if fat me never existed at all. There’s nothing stopping me from just telling you what that secret is, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to! I haven’t written it down anywhere either so you can bet I’m taking this baby with me to the grave.

You can finally be the skinny person you were always meant to be with this simple weight loss secret that—boy, oh boy, I almost let part of it slip out there—but nope, you’re never, ever going to know.

Since I’ve lost 150 pounds, I have more energy and time to do other things, like finding out the secret to learning Mandarin in just three weekends, and guess what? There’s no fucking way I’m going to let you in on that one either. Good luck with the rest of your life.

Advertisement

Or should I say, 這麼長的胖子!