Well, here’s a bit of good news: My stocks are doing fantastic. Simply phenomenal. Everything is up: Intel, Citigroup, Disney, Wells Fargo—all my investments are rocketing sky-high. I’m not a big fancy finance guy or a hotshot day trader, but I guess every stock I picked is doing great.

My trick is keeping a diverse portfolio. You want pharmaceuticals? I got Pfizer and Merck. Mining? Say hello to Alcoa. Plenty of people buy Hormel meats, but I bought Hormel shares. Don’t think I forgot tech. Ever hear of a little company called Apple? I’ve got over $1,200 riding on that pony. And you better believe that I went all in on the Tesla IPO.

My trick is keeping a diverse portfolio.

I’ll admit, some of my stocks are down in the short term, but in the long term they all paint a very rosy picture. You can’t expect to turn a quick buck on Wall Street. Playing the stock market is all about patience. Of course, I pay attention to the day-to-day movement, but I don’t let it bother me. Whenever a fluctuation makes me nervous, I just remember that I bought Johnson & Johnson at $61.27! There’s no denying it: My stocks have been very kind to me. Very kind indeed.

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You probably assume I’m going to cash in now while I’m on top, but that’s the thing: I don’t think we’ve reached the top yet. ConAgra shows no signs of slowing down. 3M is nuts with profit. I’m excited to see just how high this elevator can go, and I’m not going to hit the stop button when we’re only on the second floor.

Long story short, I’m going to have a lot of money for my retirement.