North Korea very likely has the technology to hit the United States with a nuclear warhead, and Americans are terrified and uncertain about what the future holds. Tensions are running incredibly high as the world inches closer to full-blown war, which is why this whole North Korean nuclear standoff better not be another one of Joaquin Phoenix’s I’m Still Here pranks, or I’m going to be royally pissed off.

Kim Jong-un’s dictatorial regime has been keeping the world on high alert with nuclear provocations for years, so if this winds up being one of Joaquin’s post-modern exposés on the nature of celebrity, I will absolutely blow a gasket. I can only imagine how irate I’ll be if during one of those North Korean military parades, Kim Jong-un rips off his face putty and we’re staring at Joaquin Phoenix’s smug visage as he plugs I’m Still Here 2. Any relief I’d feel that the world is not actually in immediate threat of nuclear armageddon from the Korean peninsula would be immediately eclipsed by the fact that Joaquin got one over on me again.

If Joaquin Phoenix was behind this North Korean nuclear standoff, it would really be his magnum opus for being a total asshole and, on top of that, a bona fide liar.

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If there’s one thing the world learned from the fake rap career he started in the first I’m Still Here, it’s that Joaquin Phoenix can really commit to an idea. So I cannot discount the fact that he is sticking with his edgy premise for a bullshit art film even as the world demands that North Korea stand down and disarm. Even if he got Diddy to play along with him and convince the entire world that nuclear war is inevitable, I honestly wouldn’t care—that’s not going to help him this time.

On top of how utterly annoying it would be to find out this was all just a Joaquin Phoenix prank, there would be an added level of infuriation in knowing that, once again, Joaquin completely torpedoed his truly promising acting career just so he could pull off an overly conceptual gag where he makes millions of people think they might die in a nuclear strike launched by an unhinged dictatorial state. Nobody wants to see Joaquin Phoenix pulling the strings behind North Korea testing a hydrogen bomb underground. You know what people want to see? Joaquin Phoenix using his god-given talent to act in a good movie, like Gladiator.

If Joaquin Phoenix was behind this North Korean nuclear standoff, it would really be his magnum opus for being a total asshole and, on top of that, a bona fide liar. Joaquin Phoenix, if you’re reading this, and this North Korean nuclear standoff is, in fact, another one of your stupid pranks, I suggest you cut it out and go back to acting, because if you don’t, everyone is going to be so goddamn upset that you’ll never be able to show your face anywhere again.

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