Higher education has traditionally been a crucial step toward better jobs and higher incomes, at least for those who can afford it. However, with constantly rising tuition costs and a still recovering job market, it now seems that spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a college education, arriving to your first class completely naked, gyrating against the professor, and getting immediately expelled may not be worth what it once was.

This is a difficult reality to adjust to. For years, we were raised on the belief that if you got into a good school, showed up on time for class, refused to sit down at your desk, and repeatedly rubbed your genitalia against your professor while emitting ear-piercing shrieks, that you were sensibly investing in your future.

Advertisement

This simply isn’t the case anymore.

The fact is, given the rising price tag of matriculating at a prestigious university, it’s time to reconsider investing time and money showing up to classrooms covered in bird feathers and then getting carried off campus by security guards before you could finish eating an entire American flag. It’s time to realize that you’re no longer guaranteed a solid future by just climbing to the roof of your college’s physics building and screaming your defiance at the sun before jumping off and breaking both legs.

…it’s time to reconsider investing time and money showing up to classrooms covered in bird feathers and then getting carried off campus by security guards before you could finish eating an entire American flag.

Advertisement

If you think about it, it’s common sense. Sure, attending and then being banned from coming within 1,000 yards of a top-flight university for constantly bringing livestock onto campus and loudly screaming, “They’re my dance partners!” is a valuable experience. But does it really need to be a requirement for an entry-level job where you’re immediately fired for claiming you invented ice and treating the other employees as human furniture?

So, what should today’s high school seniors do? The fact is, there are plenty of means of broadening your knowledge that don’t include college, such as taking a year off before school, booking a plane to Asia, and then unzipping a garment bag full of live vampire bats mid-flight. The experiences you’ll have while being restrained by the crew, and during the subsequent trial, where you’ll be forced to pay for everyone’s rabies shots, will be invaluable.

Of course, if you’re still set on a traditional college path in which you’re escorted out of class for covering yourself in ram’s blood and trying to raise an army against Kethkul the All-Knowing, that’s fine. I’m not trying to talk you out of higher education, if that’s what you really want to do. And who knows? Maybe by this time next year, being expelled for life from every college in Maryland will look like a better investment than ever. After all, nobody can see the future.

Advertisement

Except Kethkul.