My sweet boy,

As of this moment, you have yet to be conceived, but the idea of fatherhood has been weighing heavily on me recently. I want to be a good father. Life isn’t easy for anyone, but I want your childhood to be as full of happiness and carefree fun as possible, and I will do everything within my power to facilitate that. I want you to know that you will always be enveloped in love and that I will be your biggest supporter from the moment you are born.

Advertisement

But until then, you’re on your fucking own.

Right now, you’re just a tiny little sperm, but you can’t fucking act like it. If you want any chance in hell of busting through an egg, you gotta act like you’re the biggest, baddest motherfucker on the planet. You’ve been putzing around in your dad’s testicles your entire life, but now, you’ve gotta grow a pair of your own and fly a kamikaze mission right the fuck into the very first ovum you see. Comprende, little man?

If you want any chance in hell of busting through an egg, you gotta act like you’re the biggest, baddest motherfucker on the planet.

Advertisement

It’s not gonna be easy. It’s not gonna be fun. At this moment, you’re competing with billions of other tadpoles, and you’re not gonna fertilize jack shit unless you sack up and start cracking the skulls of every spermy little bitch who crosses your path. Bite their fucking tails off. Bash their oval heads in till they’re a puddle of goo. All I can do is blow my load into your mom’s slime well; the rest is up to you.

One day, you’ll sit on my lap and I’ll teach you about the stars in the sky and the fish in the ocean. I’ll teach you to ride a bike. I’ll teach you to respect others. But not fucking yet. Right now, Daddy needs you to be a ruthless lunatic, because until you get to that egg, you ain’t shit. Understood? You will not have the satisfaction of knowing your dad is proud of you until you plant a flag in my wife’s uterus and start Animorphing into a wee little human fucking being.

Are you up for that, son? If not, tell me now so your mother and I can just adopt a kid who had the balls to make it. But if you are man enough, just know that from the moment you penetrate that egg, from the moment you look back at all the pathetic sperm you left to die just a cunt hair away from your mother’s womb, you’re a motherfucking winner, and they’re nothing more than your pop’s cum.

Advertisement

I will always love you, son.

Regards,

Your old man

Advertisement