Dear President Obama,
I want to start this letter by thanking you for everything that you have done for this country. Unlike many others, I proudly voted for you in 2008 and 2012, and I had high hopes for the years that came after. And although you’ve done an exceptional job leading our country in many ways, I wanted to take this opportunity to write you an honest open letter about snakes.
Yes, snakes: the long, hairless dogs that have no legs.
If you’re truly the fearless leader who I so proudly elected, I hope with all my heart that you’ll listen to the men and women who both supported and believed in you. So, as a citizen of these United States, I want you to know that snakes are basically living belts that can eat large animals. Instead of walking, they slither across the ground and sometimes stab their incredibly long teeth into things. And once they kill something, they don’t even chew it—they basically just wrap their body around it and hope for the best.
I write this letter to you as a single father of two, and as a parent, I feel that I can relate to the struggles you face every day in the White House. I work hard and try to raise my kids as best I can, but I still can’t shake the fact that snakes use their long forked tongues to smell instead of using their nostrils like they should. I could talk to you for hours about your economic policies or Obamacare or student loans, Mr. President, but what I want to talk to you about is the fact that snakes are scaly, muscular reptiles.
I shouldn’t have to tell you that a python can unhook its jaws and slip them around a full-grown wild boar.
Snakes come from eggs that can take up to one to two months to incubate. This information isn’t new, but I wanted to make sure you heard it from someone like me.
If you are in fact reading this, Mr. Obama, I hope my words at least open your eyes, because these sentient green tubes should hopefully not be news to you. I shouldn’t have to tell you that a python can unhook its jaws and slip them around a full-grown wild boar. Nor should I have to point out that snakes lose their skin once a month and just leave a weird transparent scaly sock on the ground. I hope this fact isn’t lost on you.
So, while you’re likely incredibly busy leading the country in many great ways, I encourage you to remember your past. Think back to the time when you lived in Hawaii, current habitat of the invasive brown tree snake. Remember your years in Indonesia, a country where there are so many of these land-eels that they should constantly be getting tied in knots with each other. Then, once you’ve remembered your roots, I hope you’ll learn more. Do you know which snakes can grow as long as 15 feet, President Obama? I, sadly, do not, but I hope someday you do.
Jeremy Lieberman, concerned citizen