The Olympics are meant to showcase the pinnacle of human athletic achievement, but doping scandals in recent years have muddied that noble spirit. No one epitomizes the cheat-to-win attitude more than the Russian team, and fortunately now the International Olympic Committee is laying down the law and sending a powerful message: With the IOC banning Russian athletes who abuse performance enhancers, we will finally have a level playing field for the all-night Olympic Village fuckathons.
When athletes from around the globe gather to perform at the top of their games in making constant, acrobatic love to the other athletes every four years, they expect a sense of fairness. Imagine conking out after your sixth straight fuck partner of the night, only to see other athletes effortlessly going to pound town with their seventh or eighth partner, not because they trained harder than you, but because they took performance-enhancing drugs. Luckily, the IOC is setting a strong precedent by keeping the cheating Russian delegation out, ensuring that the bedrooms, common spaces, cafeterias, and stairwells of the athletes’ village will be fucked in only by people who play fair.
Young athletes from all over the world who are building up their stamina for a six-hour orgy by gyrating on the pillows of their bed now know that their tireless training will be rewarded.
No longer will Olympic athletes be able to thrust away for hours on end simply because they have artificially oxygenated blood while athletes who only put in honest hours at the gym slink off to bed, exhausted from all the incredible, loin-shattering screwing they’ve been doing. If you’re an athlete who doped in years past, there is an asterisk on every orgasm you ever achieved during a suck-and-fuck session at the Olympics. You know who you are.
Young athletes from all over the world who are building up their stamina for a six-hour orgy by gyrating on the pillows of their bed now know that their tireless training will be rewarded. I have a 14-year-old daughter who really excels at the high jump. Thanks to this brave IOC decision, she now knows that the only thing standing between her and a 16-night-long fuck paradise with the most insane bodies in the world is hard work and perseverance. She may never qualify for the Olympics, but if she does, it brings a tear to my eye that when she has rigorous group sex with the Slovenian women’s swim team and the Brazilian men’s volleyball team, she’ll know that she earned every mind-blowing orgasm, fair and square.
With these recent steps, I am optimistic for the future of fucking at the Olympics for the first time in years. I am confident that scores of unthinkably carnal encounters that occur in South Korea next year will be some of the best flesh pounding there have ever been in the world of sports, and certainly the cleanest. And that’s what good sportsmanship is all about.