It’s a tough time for print media. As more publications are forced to ditch paper and switch to online formats, people are gradually beginning to embrace the advent of the digital era. Some people call this the future, but to me, nothing beats the feeling of a physical newspaper between my thighs.

There’s just something about the tangible feel of newsprint rubbing against your leg that computers simply can’t provide. Sure, tablets are easy and convenient ways to read a variety of articles and books, but try slipping an iPad between your bare legs during your subway ride—it just feels cold and slippery. The text might stay the same, but there’s just something special about feeling that ink smearing against your skin and underwear.

…try slipping an iPad between your bare legs during your subway ride—it just feels cold and slippery.

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But this goes beyond just the feel of newsprint. Enjoying the paper used to be a ritual. You’d sit down on Sunday morning with a big cup of coffee, fold up your copy of The New York Times, and shove it into your lap. Maybe you’d flip it over to the crossword puzzle and rub that against your legs, or sit on top of the comics section and grind against it for a few hours. In our fast-paced, interconnected world, people just don’t make time for simple moments like these anymore.

The 24-hour news cycle has unleashed a deluge of information, but none of it feels good wedged between your legs. It’s just noise with no substance, and it definitely won’t chafe you the way you like it. What good is an update every 10 seconds if it only gives you the minimal friction of a glossy screen?

So thanks, digital media, but no thanks. I’ll stick with slow news that gets delivered to my doorstep and wadded against my thigh meat each and every day. At least for as long as papers are still being printed. If they ever stop, I’ll have no choice but to go directly to paper suppliers and buy my own blank newsprint to gyrate against.

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That will be a sad day for journalism.