If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that mayonnaise is one of the best things that exists. It’s rich, creamy, and goes great on everything from sandwiches to salads. It even makes a great dipping sauce! And while everyone from just about every culture can agree that they love mayonnaise, they can also agree on something else: They don’t like my grandson.

Nobody likes my grandson.

Yes sir, it doesn’t matter who you talk to—they’ll say that they love mayonnaise and that they hate my grandkid. They hate the way he chews his food, they hate the way his breathing sounds, and they hate his haircut. You know the one thing no one hates? A nice jar of mayonnaise. No one can resist that.

Mention mayonnaise to a roomful of people, and they will applaud. Mention my grandson, and they will boo and hiss.

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Honestly, it hardly seems like a matter of taste at this point, just truths that happen to be universal. My grandson reeks of sweet pickles and is constantly screeching like a condor, and mayonnaise comes in delicious varieties like low-fat, extra-rich, chipotle, and wasabi.

Give it a try sometime. Mention mayonnaise to a roomful of people, and they will applaud. Mention my grandson, and they will boo and hiss. No matter how many apologies I make for my grandson, no one will accept him.

At the end of the day, it’s something we all have to live with. Mayonnaise is a glorious condiment that people wouldn’t trade for gold bars, and my grandson is considered by many to be the worst catastrophe humanity has ever known. People’s distaste for my bad grandson is a burden I’ll have to learn to live with, but thankfully, I’ve got that perfect combination of richness and creaminess every time I need a break from the shame of being related to such a despised young boy.

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