So, the other day I got to thinking about things and something occurred to me: Why don’t we domesticate baboons?

I mean, why not? Baboons are smart and capable animals that I’m sure, with a little bit of conditioning, could live peacefully among humans in a servile capacity. They’re as loyal as dogs but way more skillful, and they look just as adorable when you dress them up in little costumes. And remember how we used to send monkeys to space? If they can hold their own up there, baboons would have no problem here on earth helping us with our household chores and doing happy dances. They could do pretty much whatever we’d ask, and guess what? They also produce milk!


Now, many of you are probably thinking, hey, baboons are violent and jealous, and they might attack our children—why would we want them running loose in our society? But the truth is that these concerns are bad and unwarranted, because we would be domesticating the baboons—meaning that scientists would take all of their problem traits out of their DNA. And computers are so good now that the whole domestication process will probably only take a couple months.

They’re as loyal as dogs but way more skillful…

Imagine: baboons working our assembly lines, baboons looking after the elderly, baboons fetching mail, baboons washing your car, baboons serving ice cream, baboons helping you find your seat at the theater, baboons snuggling up in your lap, baboons conducting traffic, baboons rubbing your back after a long, tiresome day. We could even train them for warfare, freeing our troops to stay safe at home with their families. That’s looking down the line a little, but still. The possibilities are endless!


To see the baboons and their swollen little rumps walking side-by-side with man, helping out in our workplaces and bringing us comfort at home—well, I honestly can’t think of any greater joy. I’ve thought it through, and there are literally no downsides to domesticating them. None. These are useful, wonderful animals, and I think it’s time that we recognize them as such.

We’d have to act quickly so that the government wouldn’t try to ruin our fun, but after that it would be smooth sailing. So, what do you say? Let’s make domesticated baboons a reality!