For a few months now, I’ve had an issue weighing heavily on my mind, and I suppose it would be disingenuous to try to discuss anything until it’s finally out in the open. I’m ready to speak up, and I think there’s only one way to say it: I am 26.

There is simply no denying it. If you lined up 12 soldiers in a field, I would look at them and say, “My age is 14 soldiers away.” If you ripped me in half, you’d be left with two bar mitzvah boys flailing around on the ground. I’m sorry, but these are just the facts. Twenty-six is the age that I am. Later, I will be a different age. I cannot stress this enough.

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For those who doubt that I am 26, or even go so far as to suggest that I am some other age, the evidence to the contrary is becoming nearly impossible to ignore. Consider, for instance, the fact that if a song came on the radio and the song was about being 26, I would be able to say, “This song is about me or somebody my age.” Would someone who is not 26 be able to say such a thing? I think we both know the answer.

…if a song came on the radio and the song was about being 26, I would be able to say, “This song is about me or somebody my age.”

I would like to take a moment to address those of you who have been circulating the vile, cruel-hearted rumor that my parents are also both 26: maybe. And while that may or may not be true, determining whether or not my parents are both 26 while I am 26 at the same time is well beyond the scope of this blog post. This post is meant simply to address my own status of being 26, and how that status is “Yes.” Discussion of anybody else’s age at this juncture is nothing more than irrelevant sophistry.

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Allow me to further elucidate my central thesis with a thought experiment: Consider a bridge that is 26 years old. I am the age of the bridge. When I was born, the doctors said, “This baby is roughly the same age as the recent bridge. In 26 years, they will both be 26. I cannot wait.” This is all hypothetical. That bridge doesn’t exist. It is merely a rhetorical device to demonstrate the degree to which I am 26.

The question is no longer “Am I 26?” for we already know the answer, which is “Oh, absolutely.” The question now becomes, “How will we live in a world where I am 26?” The road forward is a difficult one. Every time we see 26 of something, we will have to think, “That’s his age,” and every time we see another person who is also 26, we will be compelled to say, “Maybe they’re twins.” This will be difficult, but it cannot be avoided.

This is due to the fact that I am 26.

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