As a retail associate at a Guitar Center store, I’ve always been confident in my ability to rise to the challenges that the job brings. I pride myself on being able to find the perfect instrument for each and every customer, regardless of their ability, and it’s my goal each day to make sure that every person I meet leaves the store with a smile. But today, I’ve encountered a problem that’s completely beyond my realm of expertise. I’m currently trying to deliver a live human baby from the hole of an acoustic guitar, and I really don’t know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice?

To give you some context, I was walking the sales floor earlier today when all of a sudden, a deluge of milky fluid burst from the front of a display model guitar. It’s an Ibanez cutaway acoustic with a glossy blue sunburst finish, spruce fingerboard, and chrome die-cast tuning pegs. At first, I thought maybe one of my coworkers was playing a prank on me, but then I looked closer and saw a tiny, wriggling infant slathered in amniotic matter restlessly trying to escape his dreadnought womb. I’ve been trying to deliver him into the world ever since, but I’m learning it’s easier said than done.

I don’t know how a guitar gets pregnant, and I’m not sure I want to know, either.

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It should be noted that this seems to be an alarmingly violent baby. If I stick my hand in to try and pull him out, he bites at me, which is extremely precarious, as he already has a full set of teeth. I get the sense that the baby is very strong and eager to escape, because the guitar has been shaking and bouncing wildly around on the ground.

Anatomically speaking, it’s hard to determine exactly what sort of situation we’re dealing with. I think that the umbilical cord might be attached to the guitar’s truss rod, but I can’t be certain because it’s really dark in there, and every time I get close, the baby makes it very clear that he doesn’t want to be disturbed. I’ve considered sticking a pair of tongs in there and trying to yank him out, but I’m scared that I might hurt him somehow, and, all things considered, he’d probably just mangle the tongs into a useless metal knot anyway.

Again, this is my first time dealing with something like this, so any advice would be helpful.

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Also, I have all of the same questions you do. I don’t know how a guitar gets pregnant, and I’m not sure I want to know, either. I just need to get this baby out, because he is frightening customers and we’re losing business. Has anyone out there dealt with a situation like this before? Any pointers you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Ah, jeez, I gotta run. Looks like a bunch of the guitars have started levitating and all of the keyboards are playing a manic dirge in sync. But please, give me some help if you can, because I’ve already stayed over an hour past the end of my shift, and I’d like to get out of here sometime today.