When it comes to raising kids, I don’t pretend to be a super-genius or anything like that. My wife and I usually do the best we can to make sure our young ones are leading active, healthy lives. I, for one, don’t see anything wrong with letting them have a candy bar or scoop of ice cream every once in a while. But vegetables are a different story. I won’t ever let my kids eat vegetables because I heard those fuckers are alive.

That’s what I heard. Vegetables are little living fuckers that are plugged into the ground. Then people pluck them out and eat them alive. And if that thing I heard is true, then damn. No way am I letting my kids murder a goddamn alive broccoli just because they’re hungry.

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If my kids want to eat junk food from time to time, that’s totally fine. They’re kids. It’s only natural they’re going to want to eat a little crap. But if that shit I heard about vegetables being alive is true, then you can bet your ass I’m going to forbid them from chowing down on a head of cauliflower. Because according to what I heard, that cauliflower is alive, which means my kid would become a murderer by swallowing a live thing. And the last thing I want is some lousy-ass cauliflower-murdering kind of kid. That would be awful.

…I’ll be damned if it’s going to be an alive-as-hell piece of lettuce or a living, breathing bell pepper.

You wouldn’t let your kid eat a live cat, would you? That would be wrong. If my kids wanted to eat some dead vegetables, that’s a different story. But from what I understand, these alive fuckers can’t be killed unless you bite down on them. And they have lungs and hearts inside of them!

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At the same time, all 10 of my children have bones as thin as crepe paper, and God knows they’ve got to eat something. But I’ll be damned if it’s going to be an alive-as-hell piece of lettuce or a living, breathing bell pepper. I guess that in the meantime I’m just going to feed them crackers and meat, which are both definitely dead already.

Did anybody else hear that about vegetables? About how those fuckers are alive? I don’t remember where I heard it, but I definitely did hear it somewhere. I didn’t hear anything about potatoes being alive, but just to be safe, I’m not letting my kids eat potatoes. Those fuckers could be alive too, I guess. Damn.