Listen up, America, because it’s time for a reality check. We’re in the midst of a crisis, and every second this continues, the worse it becomes. Frankly, I don’t know how much longer we can hold out. As uncomfortable as it might be, it’s time to acknowledge a hard truth about what’s actually going on here and who is to blame.

Let’s face it: If you’re taking a long time in the men’s room of this Applebee’s right now, you’re part of the problem.


Maybe you don’t want to hear that. Maybe it makes you feel bad about yourself. Good. The sooner you recognize your complicity in all of this, the sooner we start working together to remedy the real problem: There are five of us out here, and we really have to go.

The solution to this problem starts and ends with you. If you’re the one in the men’s room of this Applebee’s, I have two questions for you:

One: Have you stopped to consider the widespread implications of your actions?

And two: What exactly is taking so long?

There are five of us out here, and we really have to go.

Let’s look at the facts. This particular Applebee’s only has one single-occupant men’s room, which you have occupied for 15 minutes. During that time, some of our food has come. For some of us, just appetizers. For others, entire entrees. Each getting colder and colder by the minute, all because you’re hogging the men’s room and none of us feels comfortable using the women’s even though it appears to be available.


The time for action is now. We know someone’s definitely in there because we asked a waiter if this is one of those bathrooms where you need a key and he said no. We’ve done our part. Now, it’s your turn. Is everything okay in there? If so, it’s time for you to come out.

Do you need me to get the manager to help you or something? I’m pretty sure I heard the toilet flush, like, five minutes ago. What’s the deal?

Enough is enough. We need to use the bathroom now. We need to use the bathroom YESTERDAY. And whether or not you care to admit it, if you’re the one taking a long time in the bathroom of this Applebee’s, you’re at least partially to blame for denying us that fundamental human right.


If this is the America you want to live in, be my guest. The rest of us will be out here waiting.