In Case Hackers Ever Steal My Private Photos, Let Me Prepare You For What My Penis Looks Like

Bruce Willis - Actor

The life of a celebrity is one with many privileges, but it also has drawbacks. Being a public figure often means being denied the right to privacy, and there is no shortage of exploitative individuals who will go to illegal lengths to expose the intimate moments of the famous. These violations of privacy are reprehensible but, sadly, inevitable. Yet I refuse to become a victim, and in order to undermine those who might try to steal my private photos, I would like to take this opportunity to describe to you what my penis looks like.

To be clear, I have no direct knowledge that my privacy has in any way been compromised by hackers. To my memory, I can’t recall having ever even taken photographs of my penis. I am writing this simply as a preemptive measure—to take the power away from those who might attack me before they ever even have the chance.

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So, here is everything you need to know about my penis.

First of all, it’s an average penis. It is neither remarkable nor lousy. When women see my penis, they’re not blown away, but they’re not dismayed, either. Though I play an action star on the silver screen, there is nothing especially heroic about my genitals. They are the genitals of a physically active 60-year-old man, with no evident blemishes or irregularities.

First of all, it’s an average penis. It is neither remarkable nor lousy.

Flaccid, my penis is about 4 inches long and a little bit chubby (though this can fluctuate with temperature). It is understandably paler in color than the more visible portions of my anatomy, as I’m not one to spend time under the sun sans trousers. It should be noted that my penis curves slightly rightward, but without close inspection the asymmetry is imperceptible. In fact, should hacked photos of it ever leak to the internet, I doubt anyone would even notice.

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Erect, my penis measures somewhere in the 6- to 7-inch ballpark. It extends at a perfectly ordinary angle and the vascularity isn’t particularly prominent. With correct lighting and posture, there are moments when it can look rather impressive, but generally I think it could be best described as “standard issue.”

So there you have it. That’s pretty much all there is to say about my penis. My body is still my body, and I’m choosing to share this information solely so that it remains a choice, free from the invasiveness of internet predators. But should the day come when someone exposes my private life for all to see, it comforts me knowing that the world has already learned about my penis on my terms.

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