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Illustration for article titled Why We Shouldn’t Force Alligators And Crocodiles To Wear Sashes That Say ‘Alligator’ And ‘Crocodile’

Today, people are more entitled than ever. They only ask how their own lives can be made easier, without thinking of the bigger picture. Sorry to break the bad news, but just because we want more convenient lives doesn’t make it right to force alligators and crocodiles to wear sashes explaining which one they are.

Look, I get it. The two appear very similar, and it would be ideal if all alligators and crocodiles were forced to wear big purple sashes that said “ALLIGATOR” or “CROCODILE” in large print so we could tell them apart, but there are a number of reasons why this plan simply isn’t feasible.

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First off, the sashes would get very dirty. Some people might argue that because the alligators and crocodiles swim all day, the water would keep the sashes clean, but they are forgetting that the rivers they swim in are often muddy, and the bright yellow text proclaiming what species each one is would be covered with dirt in very little time.

First off, the sashes would get very dirty.

Second, the sashes would get snagged on things. They could get caught on logs or underwater rocks. Sometimes the sashes would get torn or yanked off, and then someone would have to go put a fresh sash on the animal. Are you going to pay that person’s salary? You would need at least one person stationed at every river and swamp to replace the sashes, and it would add up to millions of dollars a year. That’s not even counting the cost of the additional satin.

Finally, it’s not fair to the alligators and crocodiles themselves. Every swimmer knows that wearing clothes or having long hair creates drag and slows them down. These reptiles spent millions of years evolving sleek, hairless bodies so they could speed through the water, but you would bog them down with a sash for your own convenience. Every time a gator or croc lunges for a deer but misses it, the people who put the sashes on them would be to blame.

And don’t think you can just read the sashes and pretend you’re an innocent bystander. Everyone who uses the sashes to tell alligators and crocodiles apart would be complicit.

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So, how about we stop being selfish and demanding that everyone cater to our needs? If you want to put informative sashes on the alligators or crocodiles in the swamp near you, that’s your choice. Just don’t expect someone else to do the job for you. End of conversation.

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